What's the point?

Having grown up in what can only be described as a tumultuous and unpredictable environment, my upbringing or should I call it downbringing unsurprisingly bore the fruits of some pretty serious depression for the majority of my life.

I never quite felt safe, I never felt that I fitted in or that I had any worth as a person.

I wasn’t quite funny enough, thin enough, smart enough and as a whole, I simply wasn’t enough in my own eyes. Therefore, how could I ever be enough in anyone else’s? But I was.

For all the difficulty of my life I have had the honour and privilege of some amazing friendships. Where my family failed me so monumentally, my friends picked me up. They were my armour against the world, my damaging familial relationships and against myself at my most self-destructive.

During a particularly difficult time in my Late 20’s, post the loss of my father to suicide, my oldest friend was there for me in the middle of the night. Protecting me from myself and the dark thoughts that threatened. She collected my sorry self from the gutter (literally) and we talked. She got me back on my feet.

Whilst in those conversations I had looked to her and asked “What’s the point?”

Fast-forward 10 years and a lot of therapy.

That dear friend of mine was on the phone to me the other day. She herself was having a tough time of it all. We’re in our late 30’s now and it’s about now you realise your life hasn’t quite gone to plan. She was feeling it and feeling it hard. Mind you, she is award winning in her career, world travelled, strong, smart, and an all round decent human.

We certainly hold ourselves to high expectations in this day and age but that is an article for another time. During our discussion, she asked me that same searching question … “What’s the point ?”

She recalled to me our conversation 10 years past and how my question had stumped her. She couldn’t answer it and in turn assuage the deep pain I was feeling at that time. Now that same question had embedded itself into her thoughts.

I was filled with horror. In my dark hour I had left a lasting imprint on her that I was oblivious too. That darkness had acted like an infection and had spread to someone I love and into their thoughts in their dark hour. The real horror was that the tables had turned and now I was stumped at that very same question.

What a boomerang of a question it turned out to be.

 Consequently, I have thought long and hard on this boomeranging angst. For me the answer is this … the Wisdom is in the ordinary. There isn’t one. There is no point. Why did there ever have to be one? Who created that concept? It really is rather pointless.

Much like there isn’t a perfect weight, a perfect joke or a normal family. They simply do not exist. With that realisation comes another. Peace, a peace in yourself. In the relationships you have, in the goals you want to achieve. When you let go of the weight of “the point” and “the points of others” you are left with you and what you intrinsically are as an existing human. I know it sounds like a self-help cliché but I really fucking mean it.

There is no point and that in itself is pretty and if not quite perfect.

Written by Isabelle Hawes